Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas to those who just celebrated Christmas. And happy holidays to everyone else celebrating all the other holidays. =) I hope everyone is having a nice and peaceful year end break.

There's only a couple more days until New Years and yes this is the cliche New Years post. I won't say that 2008 has been the best year of my life, but I can say that it's been one that I've benefited the most from.

I've gone through a lot this year and one of the events that really shook my life was the death of my grandfather in Feb. This Christmas was really strange without him. It was a strange Christmas in general. My one uncle apparently has decided to cut this wife and kids away from the rest of the family. We haven't seen them since.... a long time actually. So their presents are still under the tree. But what can I do except still try to call them every once in a while? Other than that... others have their own reason for not showing up. But I mean... what can I do but play with the little ones and roll my eyes at the older people singing karaoke and play Guitar Hero and spend as much time with the family I have left?

Sometimes I still expect to see him in the living room when I get home. Sometimes I'll want to call him to tell him the pizza is here. Sometimes I'll wonder why his door has been closed for such a long time. Other times I'll think about how I regret not spending enough time with him while he was alive even though we lived in the same house. And then it makes me need to spend more time with my family and ache a little bit when people decide to not show up for Christmas.

After he died, my mom found that he kept a picture of him, me, my sister and my mother under his pillow. I feel like I didn't tell him that I loved him enough. I promised that I would make sure my family knew I loved them.

Whew. Let's change the subject.

Also in 2008, I found that I love graphic design. I found that it is my passion to create something beautiful, something well thought out and crafted as neatly as possible. I've discovered that perfect craft goes above and beyond making me feel successful, making me feel proud of myself. I've found that I'm anal and obsessive and tend to try to overachieve when it's not necessary... and I've found that it's not a bad thing when it comes to gd.

I've found that inspiration is a form of ecstasy. I've found the most thrilling thing is to be inspired, to be motivated, to move to inspire. Once you've received that eureka moment.... it only builds into a process that cannot be undone. It's like a high you have to ride until the finished product is ready for crit for it to be completely done. In the end, satisfaction is the only result after you've pulled everything you can.

What I've also done this year is grown to be proud of who I am and not apologize for who I am. I can apologize for all the stupid decisions I've made over this year and over all the other years, but I will not linger over them. I don't claim to be perfect, nor do I want to be. To be honest, I could careless whether or not most people like or dislike me. If people think of me as cold or impersonal and don't bother questioning further, then they do not need to know anything about me. I do not hold grudges. People know my opinion on things and if there's something I'm holding back, it's because someone has asked me to keep it confidential. I don't break confidences just because you think I'm obligated to to you.

One other thing I've done this year, which is still a process, is letting other people know me, help me. Most of my friends, even my closest friends and most of my family do not... know many important things about me. Actually, there's probably only two people in this entire world that know most things about me. Even with those two people, it's hard to open up to them, let them help me. Sometimes I still want to hide from them and pretend I'm ok. Sometimes I still want to think I'm a big girl who can handle anything. Sometimes I want to tell them that I'm ok without them, you don't need to be bothered with my silly talk. But I'm working on it. Hopefully when I can fully extend myself to one person, I can keep adding more people until I'm not so scared anymore.

One thing that is helping me with that process is the discovery of the defintion of whats important to me, what I value, who I value, who I am. I'm finding that my opinions are forming on their own without the influence of what my parents say. This discovery of self as not an extension of my parents, but as an individual is a little nerve racking. I don't know what to think sometimes. Sometimes I just have no opinion, waiting for someone else. I think I'm comfortable with that now. Admitting that I was a brainwashed puppet... and in some ways I still am. My opinions are starting to divulge than that of my parents on many issues... social rules, economics, religion and the path of my own life. It's still a work in progress though... though I'm eager to see how this pans out. In 2008, I found my opinion.

I've found that success is what drives me. I think I have this innate hunger to grow and succeed. I set goals for myself and I've seen that I can accomplish them when most people think I'm insane. Though, it can consume my life. When the school term arrives, that is who I am. I breathe to work and I work to succeed. I wonder if I work and it distracts me.... or if I work TO distract myself. I think in high school, I didn't sleep because there wasn't enough to distract me from everything that raced in my head at night. I think with the work load I take on every term is above enough that it takes up every thought inside my head. Hm... that's something to ponder.... Do I not think because I work... or do I work to not think?

Hrm hrm. I think I lost the point of this post by just rambling and not streamlining.

Anyway. In 2008, I think I've made a couple of good friends, but only a couple. I don't think I spend enough time with people. Maybe I should resolve to make more friends and rekindle friendships that are probably dying. No one else's fault besides mine. There's only a select few that I bother messaging every blue blue on facebook... Lunches are usually conflicted with work. Family I work on... friends, I really should. Let it not come to the point where another friend dies to wake myself up. Friends are important. I should spend more time working on that.

Anyway. Hopefully 2009 will be easier than 2008 and I hope I'll learn more and become better.

I hope the rest of you have a great New Year. Eat noodles, my mother always says eating noodles on New Years is good luck for a long life. lolololol

Asleep

Sorry just for neglecting this and only coming to rant and sulk.

I want to be someone else for a day; maybe one of our own big deal fashion bloggers like karla or rumi or sophie?

Anyway. Inspiration of the day Man Ray.

Not dead!

I'm not dead! I'll be back once I get my life in order... which should be in about a week and a half from now. I haven't abandon this yet!

Tired.

I feel like I need an entire day, a full 24 hours, of sleep to make my hand steadier, my mind refreshed and to let my body restart.

Ugh

I'm feeling so very... uninspired. I feel like my work has sucked as of late.

The worst feeling.

Uninspired. Uninspiring. Unmotivated. Unmotivational.

I think it's the weather. Fall colors are leaving. The weather is past the point of trying to look cute and into trying to keep my nose warm. Oh winter. I hate you!

Capes

Quick post. I'm reallly tired. It's been a long week and a very hectic weekend filled with early EARLY mornings.

Just an update with the quest for capes: Two acquired! One gifted, one bought. The first one is from Marshall's for $15 and the second is a gift from the boyfriend. <3 And the last picture is what I wore last Thursday to school.

Inspiration: Photographer Annie Leibovitz

Ah. One of my favorite photographers of all time: Annie Leibovitz.
Who doesn't know & love her? One of Rolling Stone's earliest photographer and some of her photos are... really some of the best known photos around the world [Read: John Lennon & Yoko Ono and Whoopi in milk] Who DOESN'T love her older stuff from Vanity Fair and her stuff from Sarajevo? Sigh. Ok, so maybe everyone doesn't love her, but I do. A lot. Whether you like her or not, her style as of right now is easily distinguishable. When I flip open a spread in Vogue that I find particularly amazing, I don't really have to flip to the beginning to read that she's the photographer.

If you don't know her for those... then perhaps you've heard of the Miley Cyrus dilemma and those 'scandalous' photos without her shirt on? Yeah. Annie Leibovitz was the photographer.

THOSE days

Just one of those days where I feel too short, too fat, too ugly and so utterly unattractive.

Just one of those days where no piece of clothing does anything but add twenty pounds and takes away about five inches.

Oh. Sigh. Just one of those days.

To my friends =(

To my friends: Kara, Amanda, Johanna, Donna & Ashley

and if anyone else wants to watch just for the heck of it, it's of me babbling about cereal.

<3

Lusts

I'm currently on a reallllly tight budget (read: I'm flat broke.) And there are a couple things that I would absolutely love to have and would make my life so much more easier.

1. A new monitor: My lap top is really small, like 14 inches. It's great for bringing it back and forth to class and it's really light and feels like a book inside my bag. It, however, makes working on my laptop a real pain in the ass. Physically, I love having a lot of space to work in. I have this really great, brand spanking new, studio table and I use that as my workspace. I keep all my supplies and tools on a small table next to it so I have the whole table clear just to work. It's beautiful. It makes working so much easier. I can't work when my space is too cluttered. I have the same mentality when I'm working on my laptop with for example, Photoshop or Illustrator. My workspace and my tools are all over eachother and it just feels so... crowded. I would LOVE love love LOVE another monitor to work on, one for my workspace and different documents to be open... and one for just my tools and palettes. Life would be great. I don't really need a really expensive, fancy schmancy one. Just one to give me more options.

Example: Hanns G 17 in Monitor from Newegg $140


2. Tripod - I've loved photography for a while now, but I've never really had a chance to develop my skill at all. My boyfriend actually just bought me a Canon Rebel XT last May and I'm taking a photo class now. And I'm really excited. I would really love getting into portraiture and I think a good tripod is worth investing in.

Example: Quantaray Tripod from Ritz camera $59.00








3. New lenses - Going along with the above, lets talk more about photo stuff. Right now on my Rebel, I have the stock 17-55 mm lens. I think the next lens I want to buy is the 55-250 mm.

Canon 55-250 Lens $270 @ Amazon

Inspiration: photographer Lara Jade

Gosh. I've been following Lara for a couple years now. I remember I first stumbled upon her page on deviantart when she was posting self portraits of herself and playing with them crudely on Photoshop. Her evolution into what she's become now is amazing. To see her go from that to... well you'll see. Please go check out her flickr and her website for more of her photos. The first two pictures are of herself (the second one I added to show just how freaking adorable she is) and the rest is her work. She updates her flickr more frequently with shoots shes working on and it's just a really great place of inspiration.

I've always admired her, almost envying her.

First two weeks of classes

Ah. Back to school. My school is on the quarter system, so we start ridiculously late [meaning we end ridiculously late.] I can tell that this is going to be a really fun term. I'll be learning a lot and my classes are going to challenge my creativity and push it to the next label.

I'm a graphic design major [well a GRDS major AND a psychology major, but I don't wanna go into that.] I'm taking Computer Imaging 2, Art History 3, Typography, Visual Communications, Photography and Social Psych.

I think it's going to be a heavy load, but probably not as heavy as last term, which killed me. If I plan things out nicely, then life will be good and I will still have a social life outside of my best friends: Photoshop, Illustrator, InDesign and gouache.

Anyway. To celebrate the first two weeks, I stopped by Ross and decided to quickly scan through the shoes. Then I found these little ones for only $9.99. My heart did a little happy dance. I want to wear them to school, but climbing up an incline in heels doesn't tickle my fancy.










And just a little update on what I've been wearing. I took these on two different days and I totally didn't mean to do the same exact pose. I still need a tripod. But yeah. =)

Sanity

There is no insanity so devastating in man's life as utter sanity.
Willian Allen White

Have you ever been so rational, so sane... that you feel like you're insane for doing so?

Back to school: Missing my uniform

Now that I'm back in the swing of things and actually talking to people again, I'm happy. I almost forgot about how much fun dinner & lunch dates were. It's only the third day and I'm waiting for the work to pile up (or wait to see it unfold very nicely into very small piles =D).

One thing that's been really irritating me lately is getting up in the morning and dressing for school. I like... taking as long as possible to get out of bed and I try to get every minute out of it. Even though on most days I don't have to get out of bed until about 10:30, I try to sleep as much as possible, leaving the time between waking up and actually leaving the house, relatively short. It was SO easy in high school just pulling on a uniform and running out of the door. Although it didn't lend it's hand to creativity, it sure as hell was easy.

Now in my sophomore year of college, I still have yet to really establish a sense of personal style. Last year I kind of just went along with jeans and a tshirt for my everyday wears, for the sake of ease. I got very bored, very quickly. Now I'm just trying to expand upon what I have... with basically no money. It's a very fun experience, experimenting with different things. I still feel like I haven't really captured myself in my clothing.

Now, in high school, we all had the same uniform and we couldn't really experiment with it very much. I can't say the same for the Constance's, the school on Gossip Girl. I'm particularly inspired by Blair Waldorf, with her preppy style, her cute headbands... and her absolutely beautiful capes. So since MY clothes have been lack luster these last couple days, here's some Gossip Girl inspiration.

Touch

I read on puppylove's blog that a person needs to be touched at least 5 times a day to not go insane. Not like THAT, like hugging, shaking hands, etc. I found this link when I went searching for more info.


http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=940DE0D91F3EF931A35751C0A96E948260&sec=health&spon=&pagewanted=all

edit:
(ha oops! love puppy not puppylove! - Sorry Jessica! For those of you who aren't familar with her, her fashion blog is What I Wore. Go check it out! I usually just drop by to check out her daily wears, but her other blog is really awesome and interesting too!)

Licensed

So. At nineteen, I finally have my driver's license. Some people found it so strange that I didn't have my license. Most of these kids were from the suburbs and I guess they HAD to drive to get around. Living in this city, I never really need to drive, really. Everything is practically and arm's length's away and if I really need to drive somewhere... where the HELL do I find parking? Public transportation has been a good friend of mine.

I've had all the intentions of getting my license since... well since I was 16. But I mean I didn't do it in my junior year... and then senior year was REALLY busy and freshman year at college was.... a disastrous windstorm. So finally, FINALLY I can drive. I've always had apprehensions of me behind a wheel. I never felt as if I would be... good at driving and I tend to stay away from things I think I would suck at. And if I were to be a bad driver... practically 3,000 lbs of machine can run into a person or another car or some sort of structure. I never felt like I could trust myself with something so... powerful.

But now that my confidence in myself has blossomed ten fold, my worries now are about when my dad will get me drive the new Acura. Hehehe.

Anyway, went on South Street again today with my sister, R, K and his little brother. I walked straight back into the shoe section of Retrospect and found the black t-straps right where I left them last week $12! Yay! Can't wait to wear them! We stopped by Haagan-Dasz and Rita's but I think I'm coming down with a cold... and all I wanted was some hot chocolate. =(

The outfit above was a couple days ago. Ha I think I need a tripod or someone in the house willing to take a picture of me. Didn't get a chance to take a picture of my outfit today, but I wore a purple dress with brown tights and brown boots and I threw on my sweater from my highschool uniform since it was chilly this morning.



Here are some random pictures from a chinese food run with my sister. =D




Yours,

A

T minus 8 days until classes start... ugh!

Gosh. With my schedule at school, this will be my last summer free until I graduate. It unfortunately, wasn't the most relaxing because I did have to take a couple summer courses. I think if I didn't have those classes, I would be itching to go back to school. I'm not very excited and SO not looking forward to it all.

I want to stay home and sleep in until 1 PM, just in time for Dog Whisperer.

I think my hostility towards school stems from last term, where I was taking 20 credits and stayed up until around 3 AM, not procrastinating, but actually working. Spending my days and nights locked up in my room, working with no sleep, made me a very irritable person. I think if I just had a couple more hours of just leisure, it would have been much better. Lets hope this term is lots and lots better than last term!

My sister and I strolled around South Street the other day, and I dropped by Retrospect to get a little thifting done, which made me happy. What made me happier was that I found this cute little capelet. It's a children's knit cape, but it was a good length on me. The picture isn't the greatest, but hey, what can I do? Look out for it when the weather starts getting chilly. I also saw this cute little bracelet at this new store called Lulu.ish. It's a cute little store. If I had the money, I would have gotten more.


























I had my first driving lesson today, so I wanted to keep it simple, keep it comfy with a wife beater, khakis and a scarf.

It was also my Lola's [grandmother] birthday today, so my sister, myself and my mother swung by her house and got some yummy carrot cake from Melrose. <3


That's it for now.

Yours,

A

Current Lusts

I've been ACHING aching aching to do some serious shopping. I've compiled a list on the things I've been itching to get my hands on.


What: Nine West Gladiator Heels
How much: $59.99

Want want want. I want these for early fall... would look great with a pair of black tights and a skirt or a dress.

Want!






What: Tod's tall brown suede boots
How much: $556 @ BlueFly

I've been lusting over shoes for the fall. Just another shoe I've been dreaming about. Not to mention Minnetonka knee highs... and some Chloe platform sandals...

The Minnetonka's I can probably get... but these babies along with the Chloes... probably not so much. I shall probably go hunting for similars around my price range.





What: Tocca cape
How much: $199.99 @ BlueFly

This fall/winter, I think a great cape would be an excellent piece to fend off the chilly weather. I love this cape because I love browns... I love the length and I really like the bow detail. Again, with my current budget of everything goes to books and art supplies I can't really spend that much cash. We'll see what's going on later after school starts and the book and supplies have been acquired.





What: American Apparel ribbed turn down turtleneck
How much: $27

This and a couple other basics that I need for the fall are on my list. Some other things I want to pick up from either AA or Old Navy or the Gap are some basic Ts, tanks and cardigans. This turtleneck is available in black, baby blue and white.







What: Lark & Wolff Skirt @ Urban Outfitters
How much: $39.99

I want a high waisted, soft cotton skirt to pair with knee highs or some tights. The button details on this UO skirt are really nice. There are some other nice skirts like UO. I know that winter florals will be in this fall/winter and they have a couple that are reasonably priced. I don't really see myself jumping on the band wagon for that... but the options there are good for anyone who wants them.








What: Kimchi Blue Ruffle Peacoat @ UO
How much: $134.00

I still have yet to own a peacoat, even though I have... quite a number of coats, I don't have a peacoat yet. This one with the brass buttons and the ruffle detail is really really beautiful. I enjoy structured pieces and clean lines. I love love love this peacoat.

As in the irritating words of Rachel Zoe: DIE!










What: Balenciaga brown quilted bag
How much: $1596.00

Ok. So I'll probably never own a Balenciaga bag. I can lust can't I?!? Just putting it up because I love quilted bags.









These are just a few things off of my never ending list of lusts...

Yours,
A

I'm wearing your shirt today - written a while ago

I’m wearing your shirt today. To put something on that was once right against your skin is the closest I can get to you now. I slipped it on with nothing else underneath and curled into a ball under my covers. I wear it like a dress. It's five sizes too large and almost comes down to my knees. You would smile at how ridiculous I looked. I smile as I bury my face into its folds and inhale.

To me, it's softer than satin and warmer than fur. It slides along my skin in the most sensuous ways; kissing my skin, tickling my body. There's only a slight trace of your smell lingering still, but enough to make me smile into the fabric. You're scent is soft and musky. My fingertips imitate the path your fingers would follow, along my chin and down my neck, speaking to my senses and whispering secrets. My lips would in turn whisper my own secrets against your ears. My secrets. Our secrets. My stomach tingles and I attempt to turn my thoughts away.

I miss you. It's been more than six months since I felt your lips on mine. Six long months of longing.
Of absolute torment.

Aching. That’s the word I chose to describe what I feel. I’m aching to feel my hand in yours, aching to slide my fingers across your face, the face that has been chiseled into my definition. My body is aching to be close to you. It’s reaching for you, begging for you. My lips are aching to be kissed and my waist is aching to be held. I close my eyes and tangle my fingers into my hair, imagining they were yours. Playfully tugging, stroking...

Pulling the covers over me, I wrap my arms around a pillow. I imagine your arms circling me, your warmth engulfing me and I'm not alone anymore. I can almost feel your breath against my shoulder and I can most hear your soft snoring against my back. I close my eyes again and I can smell you. I'm not alone any more. I can hear you whispering, your voice heavy with sleep, "I'm here now, love. I'm here now." I'm crying in relief, in utter relief. I'm not alone anymore. I can almost feel your fingers sliding against my waist, sliding and slipping...

And I open my eyes, still very cold.

And still so very alone.

Yours,

A

Wore to church.

Excuse the dirty mirror and room, I've been crashing in my sister's room

Tomorrow's agenda:

-thrift & shop

-walk the dog <3

-hem the dress from Old Navy

-work on new collage for room